Happily Unmarried

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Chickensoup for the bitchy soul

We moved from the 8th to the 3rd floor yesterday and between the overpowering smell of paint and Dumb New Teammate’s maddening, ceaseless banter, I didn’t know what was worse. Thank God it’s gone today. The smell of paint, I meant. DNT is still here though. For a long time to come too, I think, considering she wanted to know when she can vest her ESOPS. I still don’t think that my DNT is… errr… half as engaging as I’s DF, but I’ve never quite met anything like this in a while. After all these years, I can somehow deal with nasty, petty, bitchy, politically motivated people, but plain vanilla dumb? Plain vanilla dumb AND annoying? You can counter bitchiness with more bitchiness. But am I supposed to counter dumbness by turning on my own dumbness faucet?

The last meeting that we had with the guys from Blore, just when I was beginning to get smitten by Techie Blue Shirt, DNT dished out a string of inane ideas, topped them with a series of bizarre questions and proceeded to pepper it all with numerous inconsequential remarks. Too dumbstruck to react, too embarrassed to be alive, I just cringed in silence and was glad when we were out of the conference room. And she’s handling not one but two major properties. One of which I wanted. What were they thinking when they hired her? I mean, were they thinking when they hired her? And if I thought her professional abilities were a bummer, her personality is no less baffling. Even mono syllabic answers don’t deter her from playing 20 Questions For the Commonsense Challenged about a range of humdrum subjects.

Yesterday, after an entire day of such mind numbing small-talk, the rest of us (including the Boss) waited for her to leave and then decided to get a drink to steady our nerves. We landed, yet again, at Toto’s after braving Wednesday traffic on Tulsi Pipe Road. Beats me why a pipe is called Tulsi. I have a strong feeling it’s a misnomer. Anyway, Wednesday is the Novena at St. Michael’s church in Mahim and this route is highly avoidable.

In Toto’s, after much beer glugging and vociferous bitching about various traits of DNT’s personality, her clan, fashion sense, taste in music, abilities, disabilities, the gibberish she mouths off in meetings… we managed to move on to other, healthier subjects.

I have come to realise that when I bitch these days, I can hear a small voice in my head going, “You are accumulating bad karma. You are accumulating bad karma. You are accumulating bad karma.” But the music at Toto’s is normally loud enough to drown small voices.

And even after I got home, I decided to give I a recap and a sampler of what’s in store for her once she moves here. And more industrial grade bitching and hysterical giggling followed till late at night. It’s amazing how both I and I (I mean self and my co-blogger) can laugh hysterically about any given thing. Colleagues, other friends, strangers, family, men, relationships, married people, marriage, babies, jobs, careers, money, each other, ourselves…

At times, the bitching is so morbid and severe, I begin to worry about our respective eternal souls. (Instance from last night: “Kids shouldn’t be allowed on planes and should be checked in with animals. And it would be so much fun to watch them going around on the carousel, with baggage tags on their ears.”) And at other times, we giggle about such asinine and bizarre things that I begin to question our collective intellect. (Instance from today’s chat: “I am not made of flesh and blood and brains, you see. I must be made of export quality coir. Which is why I make such a great doormat.”)

But then, out of such mindless conversations comes our clarity. Today, I told her how tempted I was to get a reality check and back out of a long-pending plan I had made with Mr. Big. But then, I went on to add that after the moment of sanity had passed, I would hate myself for it and would start wallowing in grief all over again. So, she said something that hit me where it hurts most. On my head. “You are his best defense even with yourself.” I was so shocked that I smiled. That one statement sums up so much of my obsessive, compulsive behaviour over the past two and half years.

I guess it figures; we bitch and we giggle as much as we do just so that we can have such moments of absolute clarity. Or Absolut Clarity. Bad one, couldn't resist.

- H

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